Fanfiction: Men Who Lost Their Pants

This is a story Erin wrote as a gift for Mishki, who was travelling through Europe. For each day Mishki was away, Erin wrote around 100 words.

These 6, 074 words of utter tripe with some hint of plot are now available for your reading.

Don't panic, no one actually looses their pants.

 

THIS SPACE HAS BEEN UNINTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

1
“Dude, I am so going to ascend today” said Ponytail, adventuring happily.
“Fear my moxie” replied Beardy.
“You don’t even have a Kingdom Of Loathing account” grumbled Ponytail, hunching closer to his computer screen.
“You don’t even have a blimp” countered Beardy, glancing over his Geology Monthly magazine.
“This feels like blatant fanservice, somehow” mused Ponytail.
“Nah, it makes perfect sense that you play Kingdom of Loathing, and that I think Geodes rock.”
“That, I’m afraid, is the worst pun I’ve heard all day” said Ponytail.
“See, you are afraid of my moxie!” said Beardy delightedly.
“Puns aren’t moxie.”
“Oh yes they are,” replied Beardy, setting his magazine down.
“Prove it!” said Ponytail, wheeling his chair around.
“Fine.”

2
“What!?” said Ponytail, jaw dropping, so it sounded more like “Whaaaeee” because his mouth wasn’t in the right shape to enunciate properly. He and Beardy stood in the middle of Rather Large Park, a big park in Vilnus. The park was famous because of an area filled with horizontal tiled spires. On each tile was a word of wisdom, or a fact, or some form of life-affirming text. To settle the disagreement, Beardy had marched Ponytail onto a bus, off it again, into the park, and past several spires before stopping and pointing proudly at one that read
Moxie = Pun – Chickens

3
“Told you so” said Beardy.
“You didn’t subtract any chickens, though” pointed out Ponytail, whose jaw had dropped onto the ground and bounced back into place. Beardy’s triumphant grin fell into a disappointed pout.
“OMGHE’SPOUTINGSOCUTE” said Erin, who had a mental picture of Beardy’s pout and found it most pleasing, but she was writing the story so her dialogue was rather irrelevant. “Get on with it,” thought Mishki, but she was reading the story so her impatience, though valid, shouldn’t have been included in the text.
“Get on with it” cried the amassed crowd.
“What amassed crowd?” wondered Ponytail. Beardy didn’t know, so they scratched their heads and looked about themselves.

4
“Gee, it is a lovely day” said a passer by with a dog.
“I want a dog” said Ponytail.
“Yes, me too, but a more cat-shaped one” said Beardy. They surreptitiously followed the passer by, loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme. A helicopter passed overhead, and they muttered into their hands like they were having radio contact with it. All was going well when the passer by began to hum along with them, the helicopter dropped a ladder, and the dog and passer by were whisked away. They were very disappointed.
“Aww, what are we going to do now?” said Ponytail despondently.
“Go back to my house and get drunk?” suggested Beardy.

5
Soon they were at Beardy’s apartment, drinking heavily. Unfortunately, all Beardy’s fridge contained was various soft drinks, so they weren’t getting especially inebriated. The sun shone through Beardy’s window, daintily highlighting the Lithuanian’s desperate efforts to make do: a Sprite bottle with “Beer” written on the label in permanent marker, and an empty coke can with “Alcohol content: lots” written in white-out across the bottom. To further their attempt at drunkenness, they had sprawled across Beardy’s rather uncomfortable couch, removed their shoes and socks, and donned very silly hats.

6
Ominously perched in its uniquely rectangular way, a packet of chewing gum sat on Beardy’s coffee table. Ponytail should have noticed something was wrong when he picked it up, because it sent hot shooting pains through his fingers and up his arms. Beardy should have seen, what with his clear view, that the word “NO!” had been scrawled messily over the neat type of the packet, in a substance that was either blood or mud. He also should have noticed the ear-piercing screams that were emanating from within the packet. But he didn’t. Because there was a kitten on the window sill.

7
“Aww,” said Ponytail, unaware that his arm was slowly catching fire.
“Ooh,” agreed Beardy, pulling a cutesy face at the little ball of kitten fluff.
“Mew!” said the kitten, which roughly translates to “Look out, your arm is on fire”.
“He likes me!” gushed Ponytail, dropping the chewing gum packet back onto the table and reaching for the cat.
“Mrow,” said the cat, which roughly translates to “No way am I going to be picked up by a man whose arm is on fire”, and it jumped into Beardy’s arms instead.
“He likes me,” said Beardy proudly, as the kitten started to bat at his beard.

8
“Why would he prefer you to me?” demanded Ponytail, crossing his arms and setting his top alight.
“I’m not on fire” pointed out Beardy.
“OH GOD I’M ON FIRE” shouted Ponytail, finally noticing that he was on fire. He ran about the flat, windmilling his arms and wailing. Eventually, Beardy hefted the kitten into one arm, picked up a nearby vase and threw it at Ponytail. Ponytail caught it, said “I’m too quick for you, Beardface” and then resumed his flailing and wailing.
“I was trying to put you out, idiot” said Beardy, but Ponytail had jumped out the window and couldn’t hear him because of the wind whistling past his ears as he hurtled toward the pavement.

9
Later that day, Beardy and the kitten went to the hospital to visit Ponytail. Thankfully the paramedics had arrived in time to put his spleen back where it should be, and most of his burns were covered in soothing cream and bandages.
“How are you?” he enquired with the look of someone who had spent quite a while fretting, and about ten minutes waiting for a taxi.
“I’m a charming, intelligent and witty party guest” replied Ponytail, rather truthfully.

10
Beardy sat on the edge of Ponytail’s bed and proffered the kitten. He had tied a small bouquet to its head, wrapped some tinsel around its tummy and given it a little placard that read “Will work in radioactive environments”. The kitten hung limply in Beardy’s hands, looking rather long suffering and quite ridiculous.
“You do care!” said Ponytail excitedly, cuddling up to the kitten.
“So, why did you jump out the window?” enquired Beardy.
“Seemed like a good idea at the time,” Ponytail replied, his words muffled because he had placed the cat onto his face.

11
Merrily they conversed, unaware that on Ponytail’s bedside table, space and time were warping… With a “Pop!” the chewing gum packet that had set Ponytail alight appeared.
“Hey, chewing gum, yay!” said Beardy, again completely ignoring all of the warning signs surrounding the packet (like the sparks and smell of death). Ponytail didn’t notice any warnings either, but he had a cat on his face, so it was understandable.
Beardy eagerly picked up the gum packet, but before he could open it a nurse strode up to the foot of Ponytail’s bed and reached for the chart there.

12
She picked up the diagnostic chart with such force the entire bed rocked alarmingly. Ponytail sat up very quickly in an attempt to not fall out, and catapulted the kitten through the air. With a yowl, it landed on the nurse, who responded by running full-pelt forwards, and waving her arms around in figure eights. This put her on a collision path with Beardy, who decided that the best way to avoid her was to stand on his chair and shout “Magnify!” This wasn’t the most prudent course of action, because the nurse mistakenly heard “Munglefy!”, which was a word that confused her. She dropped to her knees in despair, her forward momentum turning her into a low-skidding cannon ball with a cat on it. She rammed into Beardy’s chair with quite some force, disturbing the nice woodwork and tipping Beardy out the window.

13
Thankfully the paramedics were three metres from where he had landed, and they were able to re-insert his spine with relatively little hassle. Later that day, Beardy was placed in the Fallen From Window ward.
“Heya, Beardface” said Ponytail, turning his head so he could see his hairy friend.
“Mff” said Beardy, who was lying in a hospital bed with the kitten on his face.
“Mew,” said the cat, which roughly translates to “Hey, what can I say, I’m a facekitten.” The chewing gum packet on Ponytail’s bedside table glowed slightly, throwing shadows of grotesque distorted figures throughout the ward.

14
“My foot is sore. I need gum” said Beardy, gently tipping the kitten off his face.
“Hey, I’ve got some” said Ponytail, and he tossed the packet on his table to Beardy. The packet screamed, but it was drowned out by the screech of a passing nurses’s rusty trolley.
“Rust, anyone?” asked the nurse, who didn’t much enjoy his rust rounds.
“Ooh! Ooh! I want some!” called Ponytail. While the nurse grudgingly scraped some rust from his trolley and handed it to a very excited Ponytail, Beardy took a stick of gum, bit down, and promptly disappeared.

15
“I love rust” said Ponytail, looking gleefully down at his rust-filled hands.
“Don’t you love rust, Beardface?” he turned and was surprised to see Beardy’s bed was empty save a slightly spooked kitten. The rust nurse sighed and resumed his rounds.
“Hey, kitten, look, I’ve got rust!” the kitten’s ears pricked up at the mention of rust, and it hastily scrabbled onto Ponytail’s bed and began to affectionately paw at his lap.
“I wonder if there is any gum left.” He was surprised to see the gum packet back on his tableside desk.
“It’s glowing” said Ponytail, hand hovering inches from the packet.
The gum packet stopped glowing.
“Oh, wait, it’s stopped.” He sounded relieved and plucked a stick of gum.
“I wonder where Beardy got to.”

16
“I wonder where I am,” wondered Beardy, wonderingly looking at his wonderful surroundings. He had suddenly found himself falling, with a curious feeling of deja vu. As he hit the ground he remembered falling out of the window earlier, but was pleasantly surprised to find that this time he landed in something soft. Looking down he saw that he had landed in a swimming pool filled with jelly.
“Yuck, lime” he said, having scooped a good handful of his gelatinous saviour and shoved it into his mouth. There was a sudden ripple through the jelly which almost bounced Beardy into the air.
“Woah, lime! Score!” enthused Ponytail. “Awww, I dropped my rust.”

17
“Mrow” said the kitten, which roughly translates to “Why am I submerged in jelly?”
Beardy and Ponytail couldn’t speak kitten, but they understood the gist of what it was trying to say.
“I don’t know why we’re stuck in jelly” said Beardy.
“Well, you suck” said Ponytail, “we were obviously transported here by a satanic chewing gum packet.”
Beardy looked at Ponytail for a moment, temporarily stunned by his friend’s wisdom.
“Let’s get out of this jelly” said Ponytail, slowly pushing his way to the edge of the swimming pool. The kitten jumped onto Beardy’s head and he followed.

18

Three hours later, they had extricated themselves from the jelly and stood next to the pool. Amazingly, the jelly hadn’t done the usual jelly-type thing of making them kinda sticky and smelly, but had healed all of their wounds incurred from falling out their respective windows. It had also buffed their fingernails, polished their shoes, trimmed their beards and neatly parted their hair whilst mending split ends.
“This satanic chewing gum packet teleportation must be a new form of treatment,” said Beardy earnestly, “the hospital is pretty advanced in its healing technology.”
He was wrong, but he is cute when he’s earnest, so Ponytail didn’t punch his arm.

19
“I feel so light and free” said Beardy, flipping his hair like someone from a Pantene Pro-v ad. The kitten clung on for dear life, but even it couldn’t help but notice that both the Lithuanians had luscious, frizz-free, smooth and healthy hair. They stood on the spot, flicking their hair for a while, humming various lift music tunes. Mid flick, Ponytail spotted a nice sunny path leading away from the jelly swimming pool, and decided they should follow it. The air was clean, and gentle pastures stretched on all sides as far as the eye could see.

20
They happily walked along the sunny path until they came to an enormous gorge. The land simply, without warning, caved away into a seemingly bottomless chasm.
“Let’s jump it,” enthused Ponytail, bobbing up and down excitedly, “it’s only two metres wide”
“Not on your follicles, idiot” replied Beardy, who wasn’t a fan of jumping over bottomless chasms.
“There must be some way across, or else how did the kitten get over there?” Beardy pointed to the other side of the chasm, where indeed the kitten was rolling on its back and looking quite long. Pouting, Ponytail agreed to walk along the edge with Beardy, and it wasn’t long until they came across a bridge labelled “Wind”. A little man stood at its zenith.

21
“Ye shall not pass Wind” said the little man. Beardy and Ponytail both found this terribly amusing and giggled like little schoolgirls for a good ten minutes.
“Was it something I said? C’mon guys, what’s so funny?” entreated the little man, but both Lithuanians were paralysed with mirth. Sighing to himself, the little man reached into his pocket and pulled out a spray can marked “Mirth Unparalysis”. He toddled over to where Beardy and Ponytail were curled up, sprayed them, and ran back to his original standing place.

22
“I feel rather unmirthed” said Ponytail, sitting up cautiously.
“Me too. Hey! Pie!” said Beardy, noticing a small pile of pies a few feet off the path.
“You must have no fear to pass across my bridge” said the little man.
“I have shoes, does that count?” asked Ponytail. The little man looked at him for a long moment.
“Um, no. Shoes are not fear.”
“Oh.” Ponytail looked thoughtfully at his feet.
“But-”
“No. Shoes not fear.”
“Oh.” Then Ponytail realised what the little man was talking about.

23
“I’m not afraid!” Ponytail puffed up his chest like a puffer fish, only without the spikes, and slightly less ridiculous. Well, not much like a puffer fish, the only bit applicable is the “puff”. Ponytail puffed up his chest like a puff. Well, that doesn’t work either - what kind of puff? A puff of air? A powder puff? Ponytail puffed up his chest like a powder puff. It just doesn’t have the same ring to it. In the time it took for Ponytail to work out this crisis, Beardy had scooped up a pie and was hefting it meaningfully in his hand. The meaning pertaining most probably to the throwing of said pie.

24
“Let us pass or I shall throw this pie at you” said Beardy, looking disarmingly suave. The little man cowered, covered, crooned and coveted his crook. Beardy threw the pie at him.
“Puffed up like a puf? If ‘puf’ a word?” said Ponytail, thinking hard.
“Hey, you got pie on my hat” complained the little man, who had no hat.
“Let us pass or I’ll throw another” said Beardy. The little man crumpled, gesturing that they cross the bridge.
“Maybe I’m more inflated then puffed. Inflated like a - ”
“Come on,” said Beardy, unceremoniously grabbing Ponytail’s ponytail and pulling him across the bridge.
“Inflated like a puffer fish!” said Ponytail triumphantly.

25
After the excitement of passing Wind, the path levelled out into a rather unremarkable trail that turned out to be altogether boring.
“I’m booored” whinged Beardy, who was walking on his hands to relieve the tedium.
“I’m not,” said Ponytail, who was sitting on top of Beardy and was rather enjoying the free ride.
“Mrow” said the kitten, who was sitting on top of Ponytail and was feeling decidedly unsafe.
“Let’s leave this path and be pirates!” said Ponytail.
“Yeah!” agreed Beardy.
“You be the boat, I’ll be a pirate, and the kitten can be the sail” enthused Ponytail, who was good at organising pirate games. Beardy turned from the path and began to make his way across the field.

26
After a time they came across a door in a hillside.
“Yarr, tharr be treasure” said Ponytail, squinting convincingly.
“Toot toot” said Beardy.
“Pirate ships don’t say ‘toot’, you moron” chided Ponytail.
“Tug boats do,” countered Beardy.
“You’re a pirate ship, not a tug boat” said Ponytail.
“I’m a pirate tug” huffed Beardy, “toot toot!”
“No, you’re a pirate sh-” “Toot toot!” “Stop it- ” “TOOT!” “You idio-” “TOOOT!”
Ponytail was about to punch Beardy in the shin, but the door in the hillside and a young woman poked her head through.
“Who toots on my doorstep?” she asked.

27
“Toot!” said Beardy, which is tugboat speak for “Me!”
The woman didn’t understand what he had said, because Beardy had just made up tugboat speak, and only he knew what it meant. When confronted with a Lithuanian walking on his hands saying “toot”, most people would be slightly confused, but when you add another Lithuanian squinting and saying “Yarr” and sitting on top of the first, and a kitten on his head, most people would be completely befuddled. But the young woman was cleverer than most, and put their behaviour down to the fact that they weren’t from Belgium.

28
“Would you like a cup of tea?” she asked, for politeness was paramount even to people who didn’t come from Belgium.
“Yes,” said Ponytail
“Toot toot, TOOT toot” said Beardy.
“Toot” said Ponytail.
“Aha!” said Beardy.
“I hate you,” said Ponytail.
“I like you,” said Beardy.
“Yeah, well, I do too,” said Ponytail.
“TOOT!” said Beardy.
“So… Are you coming inside?” asked the woman.
“YARR!” said Ponytail and Beardy once, and they rushed past her and through the door while singing a rousing pirate shanty.

29
A few minutes later, they were all sitting around a low table in a small but comfortable cottage living room.
“One lump or two?” asked the young woman, picking up her sugar tongs.
“Twenty three,” proclaimed Ponytail, “and I can throw in this kitten to make it a fair bargain.”
“That isn’t a kitten” said the young woman, who was actually called Woman Young.
“You’re right, it’s my sail” said Beardy. Ponytail glared at him.
“We’re not playing pirates anymore. We pledged never to speak of it again.”
“No we didn’t,” said Beardy, who was quite rightly confused.
“TOOT!” said Ponytail, and there was no arguing with that.

30
“Seriously, this isn’t a kitten” said Woman, poking the kitten with her tongs.
“Mew!” said the kitten, which translates to “Oh no, my cover has been blown”, and it unzipped itself to reveal that it was actually a slightly kitten-shaped dog.
“Yay!” said Beardy, who had wanted a slightly cat-shaped dog all along.
“Just quietly… That’s weird” said Ponytail, who wasn’t saying anything quietly at all.
“Woof” said the newly revealed puppy, which means “Oh well, that was an itchy cat suit anyway.”
“Please don’t do that,” said Woman, because Beardy had upended his half-full teacup on his head.
“My head is an umbrella! Look at the rain!” proclaimed Beardy happily.

31
Just then a public service announcement flew through the window and happened. Beardy was too busy combing tealeaves from his hair to notice, but Ponytail looked interestedly at it.
Public Service Announcement: In order to return to your correct place and time, you must find the place where the “we” becomes “whee”
As soon as it had appeared, it disappeared in a puff of improbability.
“Eww” said Beardy, prodding at his leaf-filled hairline. Woman knew just what to do, and filled her sink with cold water.
“Come here, bearded one” she said to Beardy.
“Oi, Beardface, she’s talking to you” said Ponytail through a mouthful of muffin.

32
Beardy leapt to his feet, fell over, and got up again. Woman led him to the sink and, using the post-kitten dog as a scrubbing brush, thoroughly rinsed his hair. When his hair was clean, Ponytail set down his teacup.
“We should go,” said Ponytail.
“Where to?” asked Beardy, cat-shaped-dog hopelessly entangled in his sodden hair.
“Where the ‘we’ meets ‘whee’ apparently” replied Ponytail, brushing muffin crumbs from his lap and standing.
“Oh, you got the announcement, then” said Woman. “I hope you enjoyed your tea.”
They thanked Woman for the tea and left.
“Which way?” asked Beardy. Ponytail didn’t know, so they went left. After a time, Ponytail broke the silence.
“So, what’s up with you?”
“I’ve got a dog stuck on my head” replied Beardy. Merrily they conversed around this point.

33
The point wasn’t very happy being conversed around. Indeed Beardy and Ponytail’s verbs were getting slightly dizzy conversing around it, an altogether unfair circumstance. But life isn’t fair. It has never been. Life in general was made all the more unfair by the fact that Beardy and Ponytail had no inkling of the unfairness they were perpetrating by casually conversing around that particular point. How unfair!
“Nothing much is happening,” said Beardy, “we’re just walking down a sunny path. And that whole tea thing was boring; all we got from it was some muffins and a dog tangled on my head instead of a facekitten.”
“Let’s hope something important happens soon,” agreed Ponytail. They continued to walk.
And walk.
And nothing much happened as they walked.
And walked.
And walked some more.

34
“Ok, that’s it, I’m officially making something happen” said Ponytail. He tried to pick up Beardy, but he was too heavy, so he picked up the dog instead.
“Sorry about this,” he apologized, and then drop kicked the dog in a random direction. It flew, too stunned to scream, until it was the size of a golf ball from the Lithuanians’ perspectives.
“Race you to the golf ball!” said Ponytail, and they both set off at a hasty pace, pacing hastily, not pasting hately or hasting pastily, leaving the path behind and speeding across the sunlit meadows.

35
Two hours later, they were still running. By running I mean exhaustedly gasping, lying on their stomachs and kind of flopping in a generally forward direction.
“I think we may have passed it,” said Beardy.
“What do you mean? Sure, you’re getting old, but I’m still in my prime” said Ponytail between ragged breaths.
“I meant we may have passed the dog,” said Beardy, “and I’m not old.”
“You’re getting grey hairs” pointed out Ponytail.
“You’ve got too much hair” countered Beardy.
“Wait, what were we talking about? Something to do with passing it?”
“Yes, it has passed us by.”
“What has?”
“Life.”
“Oh.”
And so they flopped on.

36
After landing, the dog had sat on its bottom for a while and pouted. Nothing much happened as a result of this, so the dog decided to try to find its Lithuanian friends – they were, sadly, its only hope of getting back to its correct dimension after all. Finding them shouldn’t be too hard, because they had jogged past not more than an hour ago, and left lots of broken stalks and footprints and generally everything that anyone with any tracking experience would need to follow them. Thankfully the dog had previously belonged to the boy scouts (before its kitten impersonation days, it had dressed as a small, hairy boy), and it took less than half an hour before it had found the two exhausted Lithuanians.

37
“Life is full of problems” moaned Beardy.
“I know. Like, sometimes, I feel like my pyjamas don’t love me” lamented Ponytail.
“Have you ever tried wearing them to a performance? Mine weren’t talking to me for weeks, but I wore them to work one day, and now we’re best friends again.” Beardy suggested.
“Hey, that might be it – they must be jealous of my rather stupidly outrageous fur coat. I did see- ” Ponytail paused to concentrate as he rolled over a particularly difficult patch of gravel “- them having a bitch fight with it last week.”
“How do pyjamas bitch fight with a large white fur coat?” Beardy wondered.
“Well, they both rear up, and whack each other with their sleeves” said Ponytail.
“Woof” said the dog, which had been sitting, unnoticed, on Beardy’s back for a good ten minutes.

38
“Hey, my dog!” enthused Ponytail. They flopped on for another minute, more out of habit than anything else (like out of a box or out of a carrot).
“Since when was he your dog?” protested Beardy.
“Since you decided to be a tug boat,” said Ponytail, “tug boats aren’t allowed dogs.”
Beardy knew when he was beaten, so he decided not to push the point. It was the same point, incidentally, that they had been conversing around earlier, and it decided to sue for assault. The only problem was, it couldn’t find a lawyer, so it just sat and seethed in obscurity.
“Oh no, that looks like a very muddy patch up there” said Ponytail.
“I don’t want to get my nice pants wrecked,” said Beardy, “we should stand up.”
And so they did.

39
“You know, I feel rather rested. Grazed, but rested.” said Ponytail, abruptly plucking the dog off of Beardy’s back.
“And my abs feel toned and manly” said Beardy, appreciatively poking at his tummy area.
“Woof!” said the dog, which translates to “I am in the best shape of my life, and I feel great.”
When they were finished appreciating the musculature-related benefits of a good prolonged flop, they noticed several tears in their clothing.
“Oh no, this won’t do, tears are so last year” said Beardy.
“I quite like them. They’re hip” said Ponytail, looking at a tear on his hip.
“Where am I going to find a tailor in the middle of this tussocky wasteland?” lamented Beardy.

40
“Since when have you had a tailor?” asked Ponytail.
“I had a tailor once,” said Beardy “a long time ago. But it didn’t work out. I asked him how he made my suits. He said he left the material in his workshop overnight, and the elves came and did it. When I asked him about elves, he said they were horrid little things with pointy teeth and mismatched socks that always made the seams too small, and that no one in their right mind would rely on their labour for any tailoring business- ”
“Is this going anywhere?” interrupted Ponytail.
“No. Now, as I was saying…”

41
“No sane person would use them. Of course, this meant that he was mad, so I thought I could underpay him without his noticing -”
“Seriously, this had better go somewhere” Ponytail interrupted again.
“SO, I thought I could underpay him, but he noticed, so I couldn’t, and I had to catch the bus home.”
Ponytail waited, but Beardy just looked at him blankly.
“The point being…?” asked Ponytail, making ‘continue’ motions with his hands.
Beardy blinked at him, then began to mirror the gesture. The dog thought it looked like fun, and tried to mirror the gesture too, but being quadrupedal it just fell over. Unfortunately, it fell and slipped down an embankment. With a series of yelps and the ‘snap!’ of breaking undergrowth, the dog rolled down the very steep ground.

42
“Moron. Your pointless story lost me my dog” said Ponytail, crossing his arms.
“Moron. Your pointless story lost me my dog” said Beardy, also crossing his arms.
“Stop that and help me look for it, idiot” said Ponytail, turning to lean over the edge of the embankment.
“TOOT! Tug boats RULE!” shouted Beardy, rushing forwards and shoving Ponytail in the back. As Ponytail plummeted down just as the dog had (only with swearing instead of yelping), Beardy grinned and began to triumphantly sing songs from the hit movie ‘Titanic’. He was just belting out a rather inappropriate chorus when Ponytail’s cry of “Oi! Get down here, Beardface!” caused a minor rock fall that slid the ground from underneath his feet and sent him tumbling down the embankment.

43
“Weeee!” shouted Beardy as he fell. He landed head first in a bush, and Ponytail looked at his flailing legs sharply.
“Ouch, stop it. I just fell down an embankment, I don’t need your sharp looks too” squealed Beardy.
“Sorry,” said Ponytail, and looked at Beardy’s legs more softly.
“Thankyou. That’s much better. Why were you looking at me sharply, anyway?”
“Remember that public service announcement?” he didn’t give Beardy a chance to reply, “it said that to go home, we had to find a place where ‘we’ becomes ‘wheee’.”
Beardy was stunned. “You mean this drivel actually has a story arc? Holy crap, I didn’t expect that.”

44
Ponytail grabbed Beardy’s leg and pulled him out of the bush. By the look of his purple-stained mouth, he had stayed in the bush to eat berries.
“You shouldn’t eat what you know nothing about” scolded Ponytail, picking a berry and popping it into his mouth. “Hmm, tastes like bathsalts.”
“Woof!” cried the dog, which translates into “Stop it! We almost got some plot done then, don’t start the drivel again, we might never get a story done!”
“Wow, that dog can say a lot with a single woof” commented Beardy.
“Dog is a very concise language” said Ponytail, because he knows about things like that. The dog covered its face with its paws.

45
Three years later, after countless adventures in the strange world the chewing gum packet had transported them to, Beardy and Ponytail were sitting atop their mud citadel, which had been built for them by a race of giant sentient wasps they had decided to rule. They shared a large bowl of bathsalt berries, which a serving wasp wench periodically refilled.
“Man, we’ve just had the craziest and most legendary three years ever!” enthused Ponytail.
“Yep, best material for any story imaginable. Like that time with the sceptre that gave us the power to turn into anything we wanted. Madness! ” agreed Beardy. They sat and reminisced about all the fantastic things they had done and seen.
“I don’t even care about that getting home thing” said Beardy. But then something happened that made him really want to go home.

46
“Damn, considering what just happened, I really want to go home” said Beardy.
“What? What happened?” asked Ponytail.
“I don’t know. Something.”
Ponytail was about to pick up his dog (which was still with them because it had nothing better to do) and club Beardy over the head with it, but before he could do so a wasp tapped him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me sire, but I must ask you to do something important” it buzzed, speaking surprisingly good Lithuanian considering it had mandibles.
“Hmm? Yes?” said Ponytail, airily adopting his kingly persona reserved for his wasp subjects. The wasp gathered itself, placed itself in a basket, then got out of the basket again as was the custom when one was issuing important news.

47
“In order to continue your rule, one of you must marry our last king’s daughter.”
Ponytail instinctively got out of his chair and stood behind Beardy, who was too busy putting the dog on his head to overhear the conversation. “Beardface can do it. He’s used to mad yellow-based fangirls.”
“I’m afraid not,” said the wasp, braiding its legs together as was the custom to show discomfort to superiors “she finds the bearded one off putting because of his odd habit of putting the dog on his head.” It broke off to point at Beardy, who was now playing with the dog on his head. “Woof” said the dog, which translates into “the progression from facekitten to headdog is logical and natural”
“Hey, Beardface,” said Ponytail, leaning over Beardy’s chair to whisper in his ear, “considering what just happened, I really want to go home too.”

48
The wasps wouldn’t have been too pleased to just let their monarchs leave, so Beardy and Ponytail decided upon a cunning plan. They called a citadel rally, insisting that all of the wasps attend. When the city’s awesomely large central plaza was completely full, Ponytail stepped up to the microphone and cleared his throat. Beardy held the dog which held the speech they had prepared and positioned it so they could both read the words. A hush fell, and all of the subjects looked up intently at their Lithuanian rulers. With a clear voice, Beardy and Ponytail said as one “LOOK! A DISTRACTION!” and pointed emphatically forwards. As all of the wasps turned to look, Beardy and Ponytail hitched up their royal attire and scarpered. They didn’t stop running until they were back at the bottom of the embankment where ‘we’ becomes ‘wheee’.

49
“Right, angry wasps following rapidly, we need to get home NOW” said Beardy
“I don’t wanna marry a wasp!” squealed Ponytail, who as panicking because he didn’t have a dog on his head. In a gesture of true friendship, Beardy pulled the dog off his head put it onto Ponytail’s head. Instantly he began to feel jittery, but he pushed the feeling aside by thinking of as many tie knots as he could.
“The public service announcement didn’t tell us how to get home,” mused Ponytail, who had now calmed down. The rumble of thousands of distant but very angry wasps in flight wafted through the breeze.
“OH NO! BEES!” said Beardy, almost paralysed with fear.
“Not bees, wasps, moron” said Ponytail. It was as if the insult had opened up a magical portal, because it had.
“Quick, through the portal!” said Ponytail pushing Beardy through the glowing doorway.

50
In a flash, they found themselves lying in their beds at the Fallen Through Window ward. There was no sign of the portal, or the wasps, and on Ponytail’s bedside table the gum packet was burning in bright blue flames.
“Well, that was lucky” said Ponytail, “imagine a portal opened by insults. It’s lucky you’re so stupid, Beardface.” At the words, a new portal opened at the foot of Beardy’s bed. Both Lithuanians squealed like schoolgirls and Beardy leapt onto Ponytail’s bed. They were cowering behind a hastily fort made of pillows and the dog when something truly horrible emerged…

51
It was the point.
“I couldn’t find a lawyer,” said the point, “and no one would pay attention to me. But you’ve conversed around me and pushed me and I want my revenge!” as it spoke, it loaded a double barrel shotgun.
“Just you try to avoid the point now! RARRRR!” it continued shouting, red with insane rage.
“Quick Ponytail, insult Beardy again!” said the dog, whipping off its dog suit to reveal a large marmot.
“Oh no, not the Marmot Of Protection” screamed the point, pulling the trigger and shooting the marmot in the stomach. Beardy and Ponytail were stunned when the bullets simply bounced off.
“Hurry!” said the Marmot of Protection, advancing on the murderous point. Ponytail grabbed Beardy by the shoulders and began to shake him “You font-faced tussock of a mongweed!” he wailed desperately. Another portal appeared, and the Lithuanians leapt through it thankfully, not caring where it led.

52
“It was lucky that portal led to your apartment,” said Ponytail a few days later. They were sprawled over Beardy’s living room, trying to get drunk on orange juice.
“Luck indeed was with you” said the Marmot Of Protection, which was happily draped over Beardy’s shoulders.
“I miss my wasp slaves, though” said Beardy, “they were great at refilling bowls.”
“You can refill your own bowls” said Ponytail, handing Beardy a bag of store bought bathsalt berries. Beardy took the packet and tipped some into several bowls, sighing. “It’s just not the same.”
He let the packet fall, and several bathsalt berries bounced into the air. One landed in Ponytail’s drink, splashing orange juice into his new shirt. He looked down in consternation.
“Look at what you did! Idiot!”
With a pop a portal opened at the end of Beardy’s coffee table.
“It wasn’t my fault!” protested Beardy
“Of course it was, moron!” shouted Ponytail.
Another portal appeared in the doorway.
“Be calm, both of you” said the Marmot Of Protection nervously.
“Tell chickpea brain here to shut up and I will” snapped Ponytail.
A third portal shimmered into being, blocking the window. They were completely surrounded.
“That is going to get really annoying,” said Beardy. And it was.

The End.